Guilty Heart
by Giantpanda
Summary: Shannon’s guilt for using Boone and never apologizing is tearing her apart. She falls back on old habits to get rid of her grief; will she lose Sayid in the process?
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Guilty Heart  
RATING: PG-13  
SUMMARY: Shannon guilt for using Boone and never apologizing is tearing her apart. She falls back on old habits to get rid of her grief; will she lose Sayid in the process?  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.

Thanks to my Grammar Fairy for making this a much better story and adding some great stuff to it. And thanks to mrstater for pushing me to write this even though it was rough. Couldn't have done it without you!

Chapter One 

Shannon sat curled in a ball in her tent, the day's events replaying again and again in her mind. She couldn't close her eyes without seeing her brother being lowered into the ground. She could still hear the sounds of the dirt hitting the tarps that were wrapped around his broken body. She remembered the last time she had seen someone buried. Boone had been there to comfort her as they threw the dirt on top of her father, but she had pushed him away, choosing instead to dull the pain with too much alcohol.

She had cried all the tears that she had in her. She had cried that she hadn't gotten to say goodbye and the fact that she had never gotten to tell him she was sorry. Her words to Sayid played over and over in her mind: she would always feel something for Boone, just not in the same way that he had felt for her. She felt guilty for always using his love for her against him. That guilt mixed with the pain of losing her brother was too much.

She was exhausted, but closing her eyes wasn't an option. Too many images flashed through her mind, the first time she had meet Boone, their relationship growing up, how she had treated him before they had gotten on the plane and ending with his body lying motionless on the cave floor. He was gone and all she was left with was the painful memories. She wished that she would have been able to say goodbye and maybe get things back to the way they were before her daddy died, back when they were more like brother and sister. She wished for those days. Now she would never see him again.

She thought about what she would be doing if she were back home, ignoring the fact that if she was home Boone would probably still be alive. She would have had two options: get drunk, or have sex. Maybe even both, to make all the pain go away. She just wanted to feel nothing; she wanted nothing more than to be numb.

She decided then to see if Sayid was awake, he might be able to help her deaden all these thoughts and feelings in her mind and the pain in her heart. She stood up shakily, stumbling to catch her balance. She had been in the same position for hours and her body didn't want to cooperate, it took her far to long to get to Sayid's tent.

Shannon was surprised to find him staring out into the ocean. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts and she wondered what he was thinking about. There was something in his eyes that she had never seen before, and for the first time she thought about how little she really knew about him. The look disappeared when he noticed her standing in front of him.

Wordlessly, he motioned for her to come to him, without hesitation she went to rest against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist and for a brief second the pain went away.

"How are you feeling?" he asked softly.

She shrugged against him, "I can't sleep," was all she said. She didn't want to tell him how much it hurt to breathe or how seeing Boone lying there dead had caused so many old memories to come to mind. She didn't want to think of any of that. She didn't want to remember the tree house or the swimming pool or anything else. She just wanted it all to stop.

Shannon moved to capture Sayid's lips with hers. It was a gentle kiss at first, but as the pain began to dull ever so slightly, she kissed him harder. He responded to her kisses, pulling her closer to him. It felt so good to kiss him again. She could pretend that it was the night before and they were alone on the beach again; she wished they had never left.

She moved her hand towards his pants and started to unbutton them. He pulled away then, breaking their kiss. He reached down and pulled her hand away, bringing it up to his lips to kiss. She looked at him questionably; she could see the desire in his eyes and no one had ever stopped her before.

"Not like this," he said, his voice husky with pent up desire. "I know what you are trying to do."

She looked up in surprise, though she knew it shouldn't surprise her that he'd seen through her. He knew her better than anyone ever had before. But that didn't mean she wanted him to know that she had wanted to sleep with him to dull the pain. She knew no other way to stop hurting.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, her checks tinged pink with embarrassment. "I'm going to go back to my tent."

"I think that would be the best idea." He helped her stand. "Let me walk with you."

She shook her head, "I'll be fine. I'll scream if I need you."

He brushed some loose strands of hair out of her face. "I will be here all night if you need me. It is not necessary to scream."

She smiled sadly at him, grateful that he had stopped them; she almost ruined their relationship, which was not something she was planning on doing. He kissed her forehead and whispered goodnight before she left.

She walked aimlessly around the beach, taking the long way back to her tent to allow herself some time to think. Sex with Sayid hadn't worked since he had stopped her. The pain had gone away for a moment when she kissed him, but it had been different than when she normally tried to dull her pain. She wondered why.

The more she attempted to think, the more it all started to become dizzying. She decided that if she couldn't dull the pain with sex, then she was going to find a way to get really smashed. She knew that Sawyer had some alcohol, so she would just go to him. A tiny voice in the back of her mind told her that if he didn't then she could just have sex with him. She tried to push the thought away.

She slowly snuck into his tent; he was asleep. He looked cute while he slept, she thought, kind of like a lost little boy. And the way his hair hung over his eyes was kind of sexy. Maybe having sex with him wouldn't be such a bad idea.

"What do you want, Sticks?" he asked, his voice groggy with sleep.

"Where's your alcohol?" she asked. "I want it."

"Sorry, darling," he drawled, "I gave the last bit to our fallen hero, who wasted it all on your brother."

She felt her heart constrict at his words, for a moment his tent swirled around and she thought she would fall. She was furious with him. How dare he talk about her brother like that? How dare he give his stash to Jack when she needed it? He was watching her closely to see how she responded. She knew what she needed to do.

The consequences be dammed, she needed to stop the pain. She moved quickly, and climbed on top of him and began kissing him. However, she didn't touch his lips -- she remembered the rule from Pretty Woman.

Sawyer pulled away. " What, Aladdin didn't want to take Jasmine on a magic carpet ride?"

"Shut up," she said, not wanting to think of Sayid in his tent worrying about her. "Kiss me."

It didn't take much for Sawyer to agree. He knew what she wanted from him and he didn't even care. The kissing soon gave way to more.

TBC…


	2. Chapter 2

TITLE: Guilty Heart  
RATING: PG-13  
SUMMARY: Shannon's guilt for using Boone and never apologizing is tearing her apart. She falls back on old habits to get rid of her grief; will she lose Sayid in the process?  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.

Thanks to my Grammar Fairy for making this a much better story and adding some great stuff to it. And thanks to mrstater for pushing me to write this even though it was rough. Couldn't have done it without you!

Thanks for the feedback, it is greatly appreciated!

Chapter Two 

Shannon woke up naked and alone in a tent that wasn't hers. She sat up groggily, wondering whose tent this was and why she wasn't dressed, when it all came crashing back. She had sex with Sawyer last night in her attempt to forget the pain. She drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them tightly. She was so screwed.

She laughed bitterly at her choice of words. What had possessed her to come to Sawyer's of all places? She should have known that unlike Sayid, Sawyer would take advantage of her obvious vulnerability.

Her breath caught in her throat and tears filled her eyes as she thought about Sayid. Her Sayid who had held her and taken care of her after the burial, and was the first man ever to turn her away. She should have just gone back to her tent last night.

Shannon started rocking back and forth wondering what the hell she was going to do now. She couldn't go to Sayid and act like nothing had happened, but she couldn't very well tell him either. With her luck, Sawyer probably already had. Or not -- Sayid would probably torture him again.

She took a deep breath; she could handle this. If she could survived a plane crash, a run in with a polar bear on a fricking tropical island, an asthma attack and the death of her brother, she could so survive Sayid finding out about her having slept with Sawyer. Of course she could handle it if he called her a whore or slut and walked away from her, she would deal, she had dealt with worse.

But even as she thought about it, she wasn't so sure that she would survive. Her hands shook as she struggled to get her clothes back on. She didn't want Sayid to look at her with disgust or pity. She wanted him to continue to look at her the way he had been since she had been helping him translate the maps: like she was the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen.

Right then she didn't feel beautiful. She felt dirty. Her brilliant plan to end the pain hadn't worked. Instead it had added a nice load of guilt on top of her already overburdened heart.

She looked out of Sawyer's tent to make sure no one would see her leaving. She walked as quickly as she could. She wanted to get out of these clothes and shower, maybe then she would be able to clear her mind. She almost made it, too.

"Shannon," Sayid called, running over to her.

She thought for a moment that she could just ignore him and just keep on walking, but for some reason she stopped.

The look of concern on Sayid's face made Shannon feel even worse, which after waking up she hadn't thought was possible.

"I was worried when I saw you were not in your tent," he said.

He reached out to brush the lose strands of hair out of her face. She moved away from his touch as if it burned. He couldn't touch her like that, not after what she had done. She tried to ignore the hurt that flashed across his face.

"I was just out." She noticed that he had his backpack and she was grateful that she would be able to change the topic before he could ask her any questions. "Where are you going?"

He looked at her closely again and she knew that he realized something was up. Luckily for her, he wasn't one to push.

"Jack and I were planning on searching for Locke," he said. "However, Jack is exhausted, so I am going to go alone."

She closed her eyes for a second. Sayid was going to go out into the creepy jungle, which he despised, to find Locke because he was responsible for her brother's death. And she had spent the night with Sawyer; she really was a horrible bitch.

"You shouldn't go out there by yourself."

"And who should accompany me? Sawyer?" he asked with a smile. "I fear that excursion would end poorly."

She almost flipped out when she heard his words, but seeing the smile on his face told her that he didn't know what she had done. She wasn't sure how long she could handle this.

"I'll go with you," she said suddenly, not really knowing why she thought it would be a good idea. While she loved spending time with Sayid, she didn't want to slip up and give away her new secret.

"Shannon, are you sure that you wish to?"

"Just let me get some stuff together and I'll meet you in a few minutes," she said, as she quickly went to her tent before he could argue.

She changed quickly and threw some things together into a bag. She was ready for her jungle adventure, but she didn't leave yet. She pulled out this compass thing that she had found about two weeks ago in a pile of stuff. She had planned to give it Sayid as a present for something, like maybe his birthday, not that she even knew when it was. She thought now that it would be a good 'I'm sorry' present. She wasn't completely sure what it was for other than that it would help with orienteering or something. She was sure that Sayid could figure it out.

As she made her way to where she had last see Sayid, she saw Sawyer walking by. His hand was against his face and she could see blood dripping through his fingers. She could hear him cursing loudly and mumbling something about Aladdin.

Sayid knew what happened last night. And she was about to spend entire day in the jungle with him.

TBC…


	3. Chapter 3

TITLE: Guilty Heart  
RATING: PG-13  
SUMMARY: Shannon's guilt for using Boone and never apologizing is tearing her apart. She falls back on old habits to get rid of her grief; will she lose Sayid in the process?  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.

Thanks to my Grammar Fairy for making this a much better story and adding some great stuff to it. And thanks to mrstater for pushing me to write this even though it was rough. Couldn't have done it without you!

Thanks for the feedback, it is greatly appreciated!

Chapter Three 

As she made her way closer to Sayid, it took everything in her not to turn and run back to her tent and hide. But, she needed to see him; maybe she could explain and salvage something with him. Even just a friendship would be okay. Well, she didn't really believe that, she wanted more.

He stood at the edge of the jungle waiting for her. She was relieved to see him; it had crossed her mind he might leave without her -- and she wouldn't have blamed him. The fact that he still stood there had to mean something. She just had to figure out if it meant that he still cared or if he wanted to take the opportunity to yell at her for the next couple of hours. She took a few deep breaths hoping that she could prepare herself for the second one.

"All ready," she called out, her voice trembling. So much for being prepared.

"We should get started," he said, without looking at her.

She didn't realize how much she loved looking at his eyes until he refused to meet hers. She had held onto a small hope that maybe Sawyer had said something else to Sayid, but his body language told her he knew.

They walked in silence for a while. She thought back to the last time they had been walking together, when Sayid had taken her to another section of the beach for a surprise. They hadn't talked much then either, but that silence was so different from the one that was overpowering them now. She hated it. Her own thoughts were too loud and she needed something to silence them.

He walked further ahead of her, his long strides outmatching hers easily. She remembered how last time he had walked slower, keeping pace with her. He had been worried that hurrying would trigger an asthma attack. He had also warned her repeatedly of the possibly of traps set by the "French Chick," as Hurley liked to call her.

She wrapped her arms around her stomach, as if that would protect her somehow. It had only been two nights since then and already she had officially screwed it all up. It wasn't like she should really be surprised; it was pretty much what she did best. She had done it with her brother and their relationship would now never have a chance to be mended.

She was going to take the chance and try and talk to Sayid. She didn't think it would be a good idea to just start right into the fact that she had sex with Sawyer; instead she thought she would concentrate on the reason they were out in the jungle.

"Do you have any idea where Locke is?" she asked.

Sayid stopped and turned to face her.

"No," he answered simply.

She stood next to him now and was finally able to look him directly in the eyes. She bit her lip to keep the tears at bay. His face was a mask, but she could see through it. The pain that she saw on his face broke her heart even more. She didn't know if forgiveness was an option anymore.

Shannon turned away, unable to look at the hurt she saw anymore. She walked forward and wasn't paying attention to where she was going. Her foot went underneath something and she started to fall forward. Sayid grabbed her around the waist before she could fall and pulled her off to the side. Sharpened pieces of wood fell from the trees, staking the earth where she would still be if Sayid hadn't been there.

They had fallen out of the way and she now lay on top of him. She didn't know what to feel at that moment. His mask was gone and she could clearly see his concern for her mixed with his anguish. She felt safe in his arms, but at the same time she felt dirty and unworthy of his concern.

He seemed to realize the position they were in and quickly stood up, steadying her briefly before putting some distance between them.

"Are you all right?" he asked softly, not looking at her.

She could feel her chest tightening up and knew that an asthma attack was imminent. She didn't want to tell him. "I'm fine," she said, wheezing a little.

He turned around and examined her closely. She felt naked under his intense gaze and wondered briefly if he could read her jumbled thoughts.

"We should remain here until your breathing returns to normal," he said. He took a step towards her as if he wanted to help her, the way he had during her last attack, but he seemed to think that it was a bad idea and sat down under the tree. She wished that he had come to her.

Shannon moved so that she was sitting closer to him. She tried as best she could to control her breathing so that she could prevent the attack. She pulled out some water from her bag and her hand hit against the present she found for him. She looked at Sayid lost in his own thoughts and decided that now would be the best time to give it to him.

"Sayid."

He looked up at her startled from his thoughts.

"I have something for you." She pulled out the compass and handed it to him. Their fingers brushed ever so slightly and Shannon wished she never had to pull her hand away.

She watched him as he looked at it questioningly. She hoped that after he examined it that his pain would lessen somewhat and then maybe they would be able to talk.

"Thank you," he said quietly. "It will be beneficial to helping us to find our way."

She smiled, "I knew you would like it as soon as I saw it. No one else on the island would have a use for that orienteering thingy."

"Orienteering thingy," he repeated.

She laughed, she loved when he repeated some of things she said, they always sounded so different coming from him; his accent making the words seem smarter than when she said them.

"I believe it is simply called a compass, Shannon," he said, with a small smile. "Although I do not know what the purpose of the rest of these buttons are."

Even though she knew he was teasing her, it wasn't derogatory like when Boone did -- Sayid never makes her feel stupid for not knowing about things.

He continued to examine it and Shannon was relieved. Maybe things would be better now. But when she looked closer she saw that the pain was still etched on his face. The compass hadn't fixed it. She sighed, she should have known better. Sayid wasn't like her; his forgiveness couldn't be bought by a shiny new toy -- or in her case new clothing or jewelry.

She realized that she was way out of her league now. She didn't know how to fix something without money or presents. She didn't want to lose him. She wished that she had thought of this more before she had sex with Sawyer. A tiny part of her wondered if Boone died just so this would happen, his last attempt to hurt her. A wave of guilt cascaded over her at that thought. Her brother was dead; if he had wanted to really get back at her he would have stayed alive. She really needed to stop those thoughts. Boone's death had nothing to do with her.

"Do you feel well enough to continue?" Sayid asked.

She took a few deep breaths to make sure that she was really okay and then nodded to let him know she her breathing was fine. He collected his things and stood up, ready to continue their search for Locke.

Shannon stood up to follow him. She took two steps before she blurted out the words, "I'm sorry."

TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

TITLE: Guilty Heart  
RATING: PG-13  
SUMMARY: Shannon's guilt for using Boone and never apologizing is tearing her apart. She falls back on old habits to get rid of her grief; will she lose Sayid in the process?  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.

Thanks to my Grammar Fairy for making this a much better story and adding some great stuff to it. And thanks to mrstater for pushing me to write this even though it was rough. Couldn't have done it without you!

Thanks for allthe feedback, it is greatly appreciated!

Chapter Four

Shannon felt as if time had frozen once those words left her mouth. She hadn't meant to say them out loud; she just couldn't take that pain on his face anymore. Sayid had stopped walking, but did not turn to face her.

"I'm sorry," she repeated again, struggling to maintain her composure. She refused to cry in front of him. He already knew that she was a slut; she didn't want him to see her as a crybaby too. This mess was all her fault and she was going to fix it somehow. She couldn't ignore it anymore.

She watched him and wished that he would turn around and face her. His eyes were the only thing that would give away what he was thinking. With his back to her she was lost.

"Sayid, please say something to me," she said softly. "Just look at me."

But when he did turn to face her, Shannon almost wished he hadn't. His eyes were void of all emotion, as if he had buried it deep inside. She didn't want him to do that, she wanted him to yell and scream at her. She needed for him to tell her how horrible she was.

"What do you wish me to say?" he asked, his tone measured.

She looked down at her feet. She knew what she deserved to hear, but there was a part of her that just wanted him to say that he forgave her.

Sayid took a step towards her, closing the gap the smallest amount possible. "If forgiveness is what you are seeking, then I believe you are asking the wrong person."

She laughed bitterly as he turned to continue up the path. "Who am I supposed to ask then, Sayid? You're the only person I have left."

He faced her again. "Maybe you should be having this conversation with Sawyer," he said, a flash of hurt filling his eyes, before he quickly masked it again.

"I don't want him!" she shouted. "I want you."

He shook his head sadly and she could see that he didn't understand. She didn't know why he would; her words didn't match her actions. He stared at her for a while, his chest heaving with a deep sigh. Slowly, he sank to the ground under the tree, his backpack slipping off as his shoulders slumped. Suddenly Shannon knew exactly how much her actions and this conversation hurt him. She knelt in front of him, feeling as though she was waiting for her execution.

"I'm sorry that I had sex with Sawyer last night," she said.

Sayid closed his eyes, as if she had hit him. She saw then how differently it affected him, hearing the words from her instead of Sawyer, he didn't lash out at her with violence the way he had with Sawyer. When he opened his eyes again, he was no longer trying to mask his feelings. She could see clearly on his face all the hurt she had caused him.

"Do you have any romantic feelings for Sawyer?" he asked, struggling with the words.

"No," she answered. "I just wanted all the pain to stop."

"Was it successful?"

She shook her head, tears filling her eyes. If anything, having sex with Sawyer had added to her pain, more than she had ever thought possible. She had ended up hurting the one person on this island that treated her like she was someone important, who hadn't believed her when she said she was useless and had pushed her to face some of her own insecurities. She had never regretted sleeping with someone more than she did at that moment.

"I thought that Sawyer would have alcohol," she said, breaking the silence. "I thought I would be able to get drunk and the pain would go away." A tear slipped down her face. "Instead, I've destroyed my chance at a new life."

He looked away, as if he was thinking about something else. "Everyone deals with grief differently."

She stood up quickly, frustrated. She began pacing back and forth, her face flushed with anger.

"How would you deal Sayid? Would you talk about it, tell me your feelings?"

She was angry, he wasn't responding the way she wanted. Not that she really knew what she wanted. All she knew anymore was that she didn't want to lose him. She moved closer to him, kneeling once again so that she could see eye to eye with him.

"I don't think that's what you would do. You'd just pretend that it wasn't bothering you, like you're trying to do now."

She reached out to touch him, but he moved away before she could. She tried to ignore the pain that flashed through her, as she dropped her arm back to her side.

"Why can't you just tell me that I hurt you? Why can't you just yell at me and tell me that I'm nothing but a worthless slut? Why can't you tell me to just go away and leave you alone?"

The tears were pouring down her face now, as her breath came in gasps.

"Would it really make you feel better if I did?" he asked her softly. He reached out and wiped some of her tears away. He placed his hand on her chin and forced her to look at him. Authoritatively, he added, "I will not speak to you in such a manner."

She touched her cheek where his hand had just been; she didn't understand how he could still be so kind to her after what she had done to him.

"I never expected you would go to Sawyer." He looked away again. "I will not lie to you, Shannon, and say that it does not hurt. I wish you would have stayed with me."

"Me too," she whispered, as she wrapped her arms around herself for comfort.

"I realize that grief causes people to make choices they would not under normal circumstances."

She looked at him questioningly; he spoke as if he had experienced this before. "What do you mean?"

"I was a solider, Shannon," he said sadly. "I was around a lot of death."

He didn't elaborate and as much as she wanted she didn't ask him to. Two nights ago, she wouldn't have even thought of not asking him, but now that trust was broken and a part of her wondered if they would ever be able to get it back.

Sayid picked up his backpack and motioned to her. "It is getting dark. We should start back."

"What about Locke?"

"I do not believe that we will find Locke tonight. It will be best if we wait for him to return to camp."

Shannon didn't move, she wasn't ready to back yet. Sayid seemed to understand her screwed up logic for sleeping with Sawyer, but this still wasn't finished. Even though she couldn't take away Sayid's pain, she needed to know where they stood as a couple.

"Sayid." She drew a calming breath. "I never wanted to hurt you." Sayid opened his mouth to speak, but Shannon quickly continued, "I always end up doing that though, hurting the people who I care about or who care about me. It's like I'm genetically coded to hurt people. I used Boone all the time," she was beginning to ramble, but she felt she needed to tell him. She tried to ignore the tears falling down her face. "I was only thinking about me, which I'm actually really good at, if you haven't noticed yet. I didn't think about what my actions would do to you. I just want you to stop hurting so that this can be fixed. I don't want to lose you."

He stepped closer to her, and tentatively reached out to pull her to him. She wrapped her arms tightly around his waist as more tears fell. She sobbed against him, and tried to hold him tighter. She never wanted to let go of him.

"Shannon, I know how much Boone's death hurts. Last night...I wish what you wanted would have helped. I would do anything to help you."

She pulled away so that she could look him in the eyes, "Just answer this for me, please. Did I screw this up?"

"Is that your way of asking me how I feel about you?"

"Yes," she said, biting her lip.

"My feelings for you have not altered. This would not have hurt if they had." He brushed a strand of hair off her face, "I do not pretend to know what will happen, but I believe we should follow what you decided the other night and simply take it slowly."

Her eyes filled with tears again as she realized that she still had her Sayid, but their relationship was going to be different now. She would figure out a way to make it up to him. Somehow she would make everything right with him.

As they walked back to camp, Shannon anticipated that in time things would be better, maybe even back to the way they were before, but she had no expectations about their relationship, only hopes.

THE END


End file.
